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Friday, April 1, 2011

It's the end of the scene as we know it?

Today, the Athens City Council, in a surprise move that stunned citizens across the state, announced that they are imposing a new sound ordinance on the city that will effectively ban the playing of live music in nearly all venues. According to the Athens News, when questioned about the new policy, one official said, "If you can hear a drum beat when you're standing outside the door of a venue, then it's too loud and the noisemakers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." WHAT? How can they do this!?! Unsurprisingly, the owners of the Farm and Little King's have reacted angrily to the new policy, calling it ghastly and absurd, utterly unfathomable.

Band members naturally have not taken this news well either. I overheard one spiky-haired individual, clearly a guitar player, on the sidewalk earlier today telling his friends that he should have listened to his mother and gotten that corporate job at Merrill Lynch. Other band members have not been so quick to give up. Several toned bassists stripped off their skinny jeans this morning to perform an impromptu naked protest in front of a couple of the city government buildings that were unrelated to the creation of the policy in question. Police were quick to inform them of their mistake, and they soon relocated to a house party off of Prince Avenue. But, in even bigger news, many musicians around town have banded together in a movement to essentially relocate the Athens music scene to a small town in rural Delaware. "I was a fan of the rural Delaware scene before it was cool, " one keyboardist who preferred to remain anonymous explained.

I just can't believe this is happening. It's insanely horrible!

In unrelated news, PBR distributors have pulled their signature beer from Athens bars, citing a sudden lack of market interest.

But let's end on a positive note, you guys! Here's one awesome thing we've all gotta keep in mind...

IT'S APRIL FOOLS DAY, MY FRIENDS! Hope you have a wild one!

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